For about the last 7 days, i have been mentally really in a bad place. I have blogged previously about anxiety and such. Well this last week has been way worse than every before. My anxiety got to a point where i almost daily cried. Where fear and tension was my daily companion. One day also had a panic attack. That moment when your fears and worries take over your mind and you start crying and crying turns into some sort of breathing weirdness. Not entirely hyperventilating, but like you don't have enough air. You feel paralyzed and weak. Not that you would actually be paralyzed, but this strange weakness, and tears just flow and your body doesn't want to move an inch. Your mind just tries to fight this, wants to calm down, but you can't. Your tears flow and surely your nose runs and all you can think of is, i need a tissue. While not being able to breather properly, just laying there, sobbing, trying to fight this panic. There's no reason to panic. I am in my room, safe. Nothing is threatening me. But i can't reason with this panic. This fear and worries have overwhelmed me and i can't stop it. I am glad Peter was there. He helped me through that. He is the best man i could ever ask for. To be honest, more than i could ask for. He asks what he can do, and i can't talk, i just sob and try to breathe. He speaks calm words and it does take a while to start getting back to normal. Not entirely normal, but calmer me. I start breathing a bit better and slowly return to normal breathing. It is horrifying. I hate that he has to see me like this. I wish i didn't have this. I wish this just didn't happen. But it did. This is reality. Words will never describe how i felt. Or how i wish Peter was really next to me. But all he could do was watch me through video chat and wait and pray. I am grateful i belong to Jesus, that i have hope. That this too shall pass. And that i have Peter, who i can call anytime. He really does help me more than i can ever say.
Besides that, things got even more strange. I started being sensitive to sounds. Like background noise when you make video calls online. The statics, or someones laptop ventilator on the other end. Smallest thing. Or dish washing sound while waiting for food. That made me cry and anxious again. And it is upsetting as it hasn't happened before. I had to go to my room, close the blinds and be by myself then. To calm down. For some odd reason social anxiety has also surfaced a bit more. But the sensitivity to things around me, is pretty bad. At times it can be sounds, then smells, or light. I now enjoy dark quiet room, and it sounds rather weird. I am an introvert also, but yes, sure has been a rough week.
I don't know what this is. I don't know if it will last or not. But i pray if doesn't. And will see a doctor soon. Not to mention, don't google your symptoms, you will probably end up with all sorts of diseases you don't want.
Rough week behind me, yesterday i finally felt more relaxed. Might be due to me asking prayer and people praying for me. But also good to have a saturday with no to-do lists. No worries. No duties. Just relax. I slept before lunch couple hours. And 3 hours in the afternoon. And again at night time 5 hours. So finally being able to relax a bit. My body was just catching up i guess. I still feel tense, in muscles and in my body. And my digestive system is very very much influenced by all this and i don't know how to fix that. But prayer sure does help. And space at times. Other times talking to a calm Aussie man helps. And sometimes you just need to crawl under a blanket in your dark room during the day and enjoy shutting your eyes for until you want to. :)
That is the number of days until school ends. AND until i start flying towards AUSTRALIA!!!! This morning we finally booked my flights. Finally meaning that it has taken us a while. First we thought, i really want to visit Estonia first. BUT there were complications. Flights to Estonia were already 200-300 euros or so. Very expensive! And other Estonians thought to rent a car/van from Estonia, let someone drive here, and then go all together with that, through road and ferry/boat or something. And that would cost us about 100€. I did give it a good thought. BUT! I get seasick (and at times carsick) fairly easily. And with latest mental state things, i am afraid my body wouldn't be able to handle 24 h tripping towards Estonia with car and ferry, and then stay couple days there, and travel again for 30+ hours towards Australia. And the plan was to be on the ferry through the night, so yes. I had to say no due to my health. I miss my family. And i still haven't seen some new family members born in the beginning of this year in real life, BUT i can't. I can't pay that much money for being so uncomfortable and drained afterwards.
So yes, we made a decision with Peter that i go straight to Australia. And today we finally got them booked. It's not easy finding suitable flights this close to departure date. Like having decent layover (at least 3h to allow to get through security etc), and not too long, so you don't have to find a hotel (example 17h layover). Not too expensive, and not too long altogether. So in the end we found one that has 3 flights, and layovers are about 6h both times. Super! Just enough time to get through security (even in the worst places) and maybe get a snack or rest a bit. Just perfect!
So now i have 27 days to figure out how to pack my life into ONE suitcase, again. :D Anyone want some free clothes? And i think i need to go second-hand shopping once i get there. It's cheaper to go shopping there, than to buy extra suitcase for flights. So yes, that is done and off our to-do list!
Well as mentioned previously, we are trying to learn to trust God more. So far our GoFundMe page has reached to 14% !!! I was so ready that it can be a big zero. :D I am at times too pessimistic. I am amazed how God is supporting and providing for us! How through people He provides and is blessing us already so so much! Yet, we still need your help. If you can give and support us, you can do this here: https://www.gofundme.com/mirjam
Some people are still thinking about, so you are welcome to go there! Thank you to every single person helping us financially and with prayers! You are the reason i get to go to Australia! You have been part of God's plan for our lives and you are amazing! Thank you so so much from the both of us!!! God is good and you are a blessing in our lives!
The most exciting number. <3 :) Can you guess what that is! Well a lot of you already know, BUT i am getting married!!!! (finally! :P ). We have worked hard to get to that point. It has been a little over a year when i first met this Aussie guy online and we, two shy introverts, started writing to each other. God has written our love story from the beginning, and i have laughed and cried along the way. "WHY, oh WHY does he have to be so far away??!!" I am sure God is laughing up there and knows how this was a necessary stage for us. I have learned so much through this year together with Peter and can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. In 68 days i will walk down the aisle, towards my future husband. I have found a man, who is more than i have ever asked from God. Who understands me at times even when i don't understand myself. He is often my anchor, my balance, my peace in my storm of mental problems and emotions. He is God's perfect provision for me. Not perfect as human, but perfect for me. I am so so happy and excited, but not just that, also nervous. I am sure people planning a wedding know how it's a stressful time (try planning a wedding from 16 000km away), or how you think that you want to be a good wife and will you manage and so on. But i continue to pray for all that and for our changes and finding a home and so on. God knows everything. And i am nervous now, but also so so grateful. I have only met his family, like once, when i was there for 2 weeks. And yet they are already loving me and accepting me more than i could ever imagine! I am beyond blessed with this man, his family and friends! I can surely say God is guiding us and is blessing us so much!
So that is what is going on atm. Today, i just enjoy a bit more relaxing, while most of our college is in Italy. You might wonder why i am not there. But read above about my motion sickness. And i am glad i didn't go. Meaning i can work on my own things here (we have an assignment) and i need this downtime with more quietness in the school.
Until next time, be blessed!