Been a while - but i got something i gotta share!

 

Hi! So if you haven't been here before, heelloooo! My name is Mirjam, you could probably guess that. And this is my blog. I haven't writte over a year, because well. Who cares? I want to be unapologetic with this. I am not consistent with this blog, so mostly you can find my posts on instagram/facebook. But today, i got a bit more to say. And typing on my phone a longer message got a bit too much.

This picture was taken last night. We had a nice family walk after dinner. It was still light outside. My husband took this. And i didn't originally want to post this, because i can tell how big i feel there. I am overweight. According to doctors and BMI numbers. Also according to society. According to clothing companies. Most times i can't find any new clothes in Estonian stores here. It's easier in Australia.

And i have struggled with that. I have felt i am fat. That i take up too much space on a bus seat. Or that i look big in clothes that i try to squeeze into. Because i can't find clothes my size. You know those jeans that make you look two sizes smaller, but then as soon as you sit down, make your stomach hurt? I got those. Because i finally was able to find jeans that go over my childbearing hips and fit mummy tummy in there too. But they hurt when i sit. They make my thighs look rolled up when i sit.

On this evening walk we talked about good stuff. Like name three good things that happened today. It's great to focus on the positive. But then we kept walking and we randomly asked each other what we were thinking about. After Peter shared what he was thinking about, we kept walking and he asked me. I was silent for a moment. And then i said "My weight".
I shared my heart with him. And of course as an adorable wonderful husband he is, he kept reassuring me that he find me beautiful. I love that about him. But it didn't help. I shared how my doctors keep sharing that some of my health issues are because of my weight. Yet they recommend "bandaid" solutions instead of dealing with the weight. For example i have a thing called plantar fasctitis, or something like that. Which basically means that the bottom of my feet hurt every time i get up. And walk. And my doctor claims it's because of my weight. So they recommend orthopedic shoes. Instead of helping me lose weight or even suggest that. Nope. Let's just buy more things that help you "cope".

So i feel lousy. Like is it my fault then that i feel this way? Is it my fault then that i am hurting and in pain? It just doesn't seem right....How can it be?
And it's not like i am eating way too much. Nope. My body keeps growling because i am hungy, so i can't really handle that well. Nobody wants a hangry mum. 
Or exercise. Well i can find all the excuses, and not do it. But i did. I did exercise. I tried it. But it made some things worse. And hurting yourself more because you don't know what you should be doing with your specific injuries and pains, well makes it worse. So i stopped. And i don't have the finances to hire someone to train me. Just don't. So i feel like i am stuck.

I also know quite a few people who i admire for being skinny. And i have heard them complain about their body. And that makes me wonder "wait what?" Wait! If they struggle with their body image, and they are skinny, how much worse should i feel if i take up almost twice the room they do?

And then today.
I keep struggling to sleep lately. This night Sarah also woke up so many times (she's our daughter, almost 17 months old now). And i gave up on tossing and turning at 2:30 or something. Yup. Before 3am. Some people are just getting to bed while i got up.
Anyway, my normal routine is to put my hair up, sip some water, toilet, then get to kitchen, make coffee and go hang out with God.
Usually that happens more around 5am. I have a 5am alarm. Peter and Sarah usually get up latest by 6:30. And i am most days very aware of that. So i often don't take too much time and don't focus much, because my brain just knows they are gonna get up soon. Weird brain i know.
ANYWAY, i had lots of time today. So i did my normal prayer journal, very basic prayer. Then Bible journaling. All done. Said a quick prayer too after. And then i thought i should worship a bit. And during that, i poured out my heart to God. About this self-image i have. I took the time. I gave Him room. I prayed, worshiped and poured my heart out.

And for the longest time i have been upset because He hasn't spoken to me much. Yet, i also haven't given Him my full attention.
(Side note. If you notice typos, capitalization in some places and not in others. Forgive me. My english is good, but it still is my second language. Also i woke up early.)

I gave him the time. My heart. My tears about all this.
My journal and pen at hand, i wrote down what he answered. And regardless of if you are male or female. Mum or dad or sister or whatever else. You need to hear all this.

 

You are NOT faulty.
NOT a mistake.
NOT crippled.
NOT fat!

You have every right to take it easy with all you are going through. You are not needing to be and look perfect. There's NO SUCH HUMAN!
You just keep doing the best you can and let ME change the lies the society throws at you. You are wonderful. Amazingly talented. Your worth is not on the outward appearance. I know everything wants to tell you the opposite.
But I, God of all creation - I MADE YOU! You are perfect to me! People will always say different things. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Don't look to those who don't see beauty in you. Look to me. Remember what i say to you.
You ARE beautiful.
You have every right to take up space, as any other person.
You don't apologize for existing!
You have a purpose!
I have a plan for YOU!
I have blessings and promises for you!
You are worthy!
You are you. Nobody else. Just accept and embrace that.

God also showed me an image, i will insert here.
Ignore the bad drawing skills right now.

 

I know this drawing looks stupid a bit. BUT when i see my postpartum body. I think how my stomach has changed. My shape has changed. Stretch marks, cellulite and whatever else i see. Maybe for you it's something else. Maybe you are fit, but don't have a six pack. Maybe you work hard, but have calluses on your hands. Maybe your hair isn't where you want it to be. Whatever imperfections you see. God doesn't see that. I asked God to show me how He sees me. Open the eyes of my heart i prayed.
THIS yellow drawing sticky figure thing is what He showed me. He sees us glowing. We are the light of this world. We are not our imperfections. We are the tools He uses to spread His Word, His salvation, His saving grace. You are that light in the darkness. You are like a peacon for Him. In a crowd on unbelievers this is what He would see. He sees you. Not your postpartum stretched out body. He sees you. Not your cellulite. Not your callused hands. He sees you. You who belong to HIM! You. Are. Beautiful. Because you are His!

***

All this was so impactful. I cried. Because so many lies keep coming at us. So much of society is wrong about you. Sometimes doctors are wrong too. With all this I am not saying exercise is bad. Or you shouldn't be on a diet if you want to lose weight. You do what you feel is best. But if we are living in a world where skinny people worry about their soft tummy, or cellulite which is by the way normal! We gotta stop and hear this!

Hope this encourages someone. You are welcome to share. Be it on instagram stories, or facebook or wherever. I don't need the credit for this. I just hope God will get to the heart of whoever needs to hear this!

 

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