The blues

I wake up and feel, well to be honest terrible. I crawl out of my bed with aches and pains and my stomach feeling weird. I keep remember what a friend (H) said the other day. "Mirjam, have you thought that maybe this is God putting you through things so you might have the gift of prophecy, they had also a lot of struggles in the Bible. Prophetic people. " And i have constantly thought about that. I don't know what is wrong with me. And why. It is hard to even battle the mental stuff, but add the physical and i am just exhausted. I tried enjoying myself yesterday and then waking up today, i just feel terrible. And it feels like it's a sin to feel this bad when i have so many blessings. So many good things. But they don't make me feel good inside. They don't take away the pain, discomfort and my negative thoughts. They don't fix things as i wish they would. I can google all that and find solutions like "5 things to do to help your depression now!" and all that, but they wouldn't work. I so desperately wish that stuff like that would work. That i could have this go to things that could fix me. But there isn't. And i cry, because i wish so desperately that i could be better. For myself, for you, for people around me who wish well. I wish i could curl up in your arms and just lay there until i feel better, but i can't. I feel alone in this battle, even though i am not. I know you are there, God is there, my friends are there. But there are just days like today where for no apparent reason i just feel like crap (excuse my expression, but that's the best way to put it politely, it's actually worse). I cry because i have no solution. I know God is there, and i do pray, but this hasn't fixed things. I wish i could be more productive on everything. More disciplined, but i am not. I haven't done my homework and i feel terrible. I haven't read books i want to and long to, because i am restless. I haven't had regular time with God, even when i have amazing cosy prayer corner and new pretty notebook and perfect Bible. I haven't exercised, or even walked as much as i should, because i just don't have the energy for it. I long to be better. To do all the things my mind wishes to do, but i can't seem to be discipline, stable, have the energy or all the other stuff that keeps me from it that are side effects to depression and anxiety. I feel tired, empty, like sucked out of energy and motivation. And i don't know where it has gone, there's no place to go find it again. I've tried motivating myself to do things. I am terrified, not just scared, but terrified of how you will see me on our wedding day. Will i be able to exercise by then? Will you still like me? What if i can't lose weight? Or exercise? I fear the future terribly.
I think of things that can go wrong between us and i'm scared to lose the only best friend who i have, you. I fear that the marriage book opens secrets that you don't yet know and that it might scare you off. Which is why i keep apologising. I wish i didn't do all that i have done. You say i don't have to, but i do. For me. I am mostly sorry for myself for doing that to me. And in little ways i worry how you think of me with all my past...
I'm afraid of what happens after school. What if i don't get the visa by then? Where will i go, what will i do? And if i do get it, what job could i possibly get, a foreigner, with no local experiences? How can i be the woman you need in the future...
I am a mess. And i am scared. And i am emptied out of energy, motivation and discipline. And i hate that. I hate that i can't fix it. That i can't do absolutely nothing about how i feel, but to wait and pray and hope it goes away.

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