It's been a while since I've written, again. And surely there's always plenty going on in my head. But as always i must choose what to put here and what not.
- I won't tell you about married life, because well it's a long topic. But most times it's amazing. God is good and so are rough spots. Because through them we grow, we are shaped and molded to be better together. Life is nice together. But more about that maybe some other time.
- Had a birthday, missed my family, had some gifts. Also not the topic for this time.
- Made all sorts of foods, learned new things, had adventures and outings, nope not gonna talk about that.
So what am i gonna share today? Well, i am gonna share how much God has grown me in the last ermmm... 2-3 weeks. Maybe even a month.
Where to start, she's thinking. Well let's go back 3-4 weeks and start there. So i was having some hard time. Meaning my anxiety was acting up. And also I was really tired, because i had been waking up around 3-4 am almost every single day. Meaning, staying up until normal bedtime (say 9:30 or 10pm) was seriously hard. So i most days gave in and had a nap during the day. Because nap seemed healthier than having more coffee. So anyway, one night, super random thing caused me a panic attack. I have them sometimes. And most times, there's no logical reason for them. Panic and anxiety don't use logic. So anyway, i had asked my dear adorable charming husband, "hon, would you brush my hair?". He does that sometimes, because a) i love when someone plays/touches/does things to my hair; and b) he loves helping me when i am tired, or don't want to. (and c) sometimes i am just lazy and want that adorable feeling when someone brushes your hair even when it really doesn't need brushing).
Anyway, so this time, he was assertive and said no. And there we go, tears start flowing, and i got upset at him. Which made no sense. He just didn't want to brush my hair that night. It went on to full panic attack, where i cry, because it's upsetting myself too. I kind of don't breathe properly, and often i cramp up too. What i mean is like holding your hands very strongly in a fist, so you have later nail marks in the palms of your hands. So that's more or less what panic looks like most times for me. I often get very tense also in my shoulders and just generally tense up and yeah, cry and breathe strangely. My husband has been good and read articles that I've sent him previously about this (anxiety and panic) and we have talked about this a lot. We both know what to do. Like i had shared to him, what specifically helps me. Sometimes it's just him holding me, or helping me breathe (like doing deep breathing next to me might help me breathe properly) and so on.
So anyway, panic. Randomly with no reason, yet again. It just blew my mind. It is exhausting. If that happens during the day or morning, i am always so sleepy afterwards. And considering the lack of sleep or early awakening every day, it just was too much.
Next day, again, i woke up early. Moaned and complained inside me and shuffled myself to toilet and coffee machine. Again. Another morning, where i just can't sleep. Around the same time, i had bought from my birthday money a NLT One Year Study Bible (that is one the best things ever) (see here: https://www.tyndale.com/p/the-one-year-study-bible-nlt/9781414339245 ). It's a Bible that has notes and some comments, but also goes through the Bible in a year. So every day you get some OT, NT and psalm and proverbs. And i am loving it! Oh and their website doesn't have it right not, but i found it on Book Depository, which has by the way FREE delivery worldwide (who doesn't like that right?) Link to that here: https://www.bookdepository.com/
Oh and no they don't pay me for saying any of this. I just like stuff, then i share with others, so they get good stuff too if they want :D
Anyway, after getting my coffee, i thought, well since i am up, might as well do time with God, instead of checking social networks first thing. As i started praying before i get to the actual reading (well that's how i usually do things, pray first, then read, then pray what you read or understood and whatever else the Holy Spirit puts on your heart then). And suddenly i just wanted to live out my frustration to God. So this is more or less how our conversation looks like. I'll address the whole issue of God speaking to me later.
M - God i really am annoyed that i wake up so early. It was really rough night again, and my back is also still hurting. We have tried different things for the back, but nothing seems to help. Why, Daddy (that's how i call Him at times), do i have to get up so early? I don't feel that i would be rested and fresh. Is there a reason there?
G - TWG (time with God)
M- Really? ? ? ? ?
G - Yes
M- Oh (humbly). Okay. I'll try i guess. But please help then, okay?
G - I will.
And then i read. And understood why i had woken up. I had moaned and complained for weeks (mostly to Peter) that i hate this early waking up. And that was just God wanting my attention. After that morning, things somehow opened up.
He really started talking to me. When i say "talking" i do not mean audible voice. What i mean is that i have thoughts in my head. At times they make no sense to me. I mean I wouldn't say things like that, or take myself to places that he takes, or understand Scripture like He helps me to understand.
It has been amazing lately. You can also see some of my Instagram pictures of early walks that He takes me on. Meaning I walk, asking where do we go.
So now, usual morning means, i am longing for morning to come, because i know my Heavenly Daddy awaits for me. He wants to hang out with ME! I love that. I feel special. I feel that He wakes me up nicely. And i have loosened up a bit. Previously i've always struggled to read the Bible. For like 5 years. But now i am looking forward to it. Or previously i was always thinking, well this is TWG now, so no distractions. Meaning i went to the toilet before that, had coffee before that, phone on silent etc. But now God has shown me how He knows me. He knows i first need to start by making coffee. Then i have coffee while i journal with Him (pouring out my heart and all that's there, asking his opinion on everything that i want to). And then often i tell God, i'll have another coffee now, be right back. And that's alright. Or at times he reminds me to write to a friend. Or sometimes send a video to someone. And i do that. Because it's not a distraction, but that's how he works right now in my life.
While on those walks... I've seen things. I've prayed a lot. And spoken and argued with Him. When He first started talking like that, I had a LOT of eye rolling at Him. Until i realized, is there really a point in arguing with an ALL KNOWING God? He KNOWS, He really knows me inside and out. He sees the past, present and future, and me. Well mere human trying to argue with the master of universe? Funny and humanly slightly foolish. You are welcome to laugh. I am sure i am not the only one who has argued with God.
He has made me exercise quite a bit more than i was before. How? Don't ask. Well you asked right? Anyway, besides the fact that we (me and God) take a walk every morning after reading, journaling and prayer, he also one time made me exercise. And made me realize how i had let my body get weak. So he made me do daily push ups and burpees. Every morning. Before 5am.
He has made me ask questions about Scripture that i've never investigated before. Like there was a name Sarai, and i felt i needed to investigate that. I found out what it meant, when it turned to Sarah and so on. Or the other day i am reading these names and i have a thought "God, do i really need to read all these names? Why are they here?". And He answered. "If this was your family, and say i had left someone out, or you out, how would you feel". My answer, in my heart was that would feel awful. Like why would God leave me out of that list, right? That made me realize how much He appreciates every single person and how all of them have their own role to play in history and in His Kingdom.
Oh, back to walks, sorry. So distracted with how much He has shared with me. But walks, like fighting turkeys. If you aren't Aussie, then you have no idea why i would see turkeys. Well they are bush turkeys (and bush means forest for them, most times). Anyway, they just randomly walk around here. There's one who hangs around our house often, we call this one Fred now (not that we'd have any idea if the bird if male or female, but it's Fred now. Oh and we also have a hidden spider called Alan. We should stop naming wild animals). Anyway, most mornings i see turkeys at a playground. They are sometimes four, sometimes up to 9-11 of them there. One morning they were fighting, i said to them "hey, no fighting, guys!". Not that they'd listen, but one was chasing another. Go figure. And yes, you are welcome to call me weird, me talking to birds. But then again, some people talk to plants. :D Anyway, it's fun. To see the sunrise and tell God how amazingly he paints the sky every morning. Sometimes i sit on a bench, that's on the headland, and watch how waves form and crash, and tell God how cool on or the other is. AND sometimes, not often, he shows me something adorable. Like one day, he showed me a dandelion. It holds a special meaning to me. It's a promise he gave me few years back. And i have a dandelion painting back at home. How he promised me that i am like a dandelion. They can grow through concrete and asphalt roads, same way i have strength in me to push through. And there was just ONE dandelion on that grassy area.
Or other times i have a thought and i don't even say it out. Like driving and i feel we should turn left and less than a minute later we are at an intersection and Peter says :"let's go this way today" and turns left.
I love my mornings now. I don't moan about waking up early. I have now regular alarm every day at 4 am. YES, even on weekends. At times, God still wakes me up earlier. Earliest was i think 3:20 or something. But i love that time. It's precious. It's nice and quiet. Not many cars at that time. Even nature is still sleeping and usually by 5 or 5:30am i am done with the indoor stuff (prayer, journal and Bible, oh and coffee of course), and then off to a walk. It's amazing to live about 100meters from the ocean. To every day see the sun rise and start the day with talking to my Creator. My only fear is, will i always hear him like this or is it just for now?
God wants to be part of our everyday life. I seek Him as often as i remember to. Like what to wear. What to eat, when to watch tv and what to watch? He know what will be beneficial to watch on tv. He knows the weather, so what to wear is best to ask from the God who makes it. He knows you inside out, so we should ask what to eat too, to feel good. I love that i can do that. To ask Him about everything. But human imperfect me, admits honestly, that i often forget. Then i ask God to remind me again to involve Him.
As for God talking to me. Well that is very debatable topic. But as Bible says, we are filled with Holy Spirit. Our body is the temple for the Holy Spirit. And through Jesus we have a relationship with God. So everything i know, points that yes we can talk to Him. Maybe it's the Holy Spirit in me that puts the answers in my thoughts/on my heart. Well to go technical, thoughts and answers can't be on my heart, as that's just a muscle and thinking technically happens in the brain, but then explain to me gut feeling right? :)
No matter, if this is something you'd debate about, I feel that God is close. I have answers to things that i couldn't figure out myself. I have done things, i wouldn't want to do myself. He has taken me to walks to places where i wouldn't have gone myself. And i love that.
Well yeah, that's a long one. There's so much more i'd love to share, but that's several weeks of journal pages. So much so that i started this journey with NLT one year study Bible with an empty journal and a new pen and my pen is running low now.
I hope this encourages you to see that God is there. Wants to talk to you. Even if it starts with waking up early. But it is a good journey. Of healing, growing, learning, and now longing for more and more. I love this so much! Be encouraged and keep looking for Him.
If you look for me wholeheartedly, then you will find me.
Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
PS! Haven't had panic attack since that time. Yay for God!