It's a rainy saturday morning, i have candles lit to comfort me, as i have just said again goodbye to my long distance love who was with me in college for a month. I am sad, yet i feel that it has been a good month. Also very very challenging and hard month. Challenging is such a christian word though. We use it often instead of saying problem, like we would be afraid of problems. So we say it's challenging, instead of trouble, or problem. Anyway, yes, it has been troubling, hard, emotional, tough, challenging, but also good, growing, developing, learning month with Peter.
Before i met Peter, i have lived alone for about 5 years. I've done what i wanted and needed. I have done things my way. It's only been ME i have had to think about. And now, while he was here, on of the challenges was having HIM in my space. At first it felt invading and intruding. He comes to my room, puts things in places i wouldn't, takes away MY space. Takes things and don't put things back where they belong. Or does things way differently than i do. Don't get me wrong, i am not mad at him. I write this AFTER we have discussed everything. So we spoke about it. I shared how it felt and how this was a challenge for me. Because it really was and still is. For five years, i've only had to think what i want, need, desire. Only how I want to do things. And he is not me. He does not know what i need, unless i tell him. Very basic, but took some time to sink in. Communication is very much a learning process. And can cause some stubborn arguments and then asking forgiveness, some crying on my end, and then discussing like adults and mature people. But first some stubborn silliness. :D So we spoke about me letting him in my space. But not just my room. But also, me asking "me time" if I need to be alone. It is a challenge still to do that. Because he was here only for a month and one of his major love languages is quality time (side note: if you have no idea what are love languages, you really NEED to see this and figure out what is yours: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ ). (My love language is words of affirmation mostly). So i gave him as much time as i could. Especially as he was here only for a month and it was hard. I am being honest here, very hard sometimes. When all i wanted to do is to say to him "get out of here and leave me alone", but then the other part of me wants to be in his embrace and give him the time he deserves and needs as he has traveled here. But everything gets better if you say what you want and need.
Other things that are challenging are things of my past. I won't go into much details, but so much of my past determines of who i am now. Disappointments, hurts, people leaving my life and walking out on me. Lost hope and pain caused to me. Still working through that. Finding a voice as a person, being heard. All that is an active part of who i am now and who i long to be. I am a work in progress and it affects so much my daily life and also my relationship. Some things cause anxiety, and some anxiety also causes physical symptoms. Some physical things come due to anxiety medicine. So you see, everything is linked and has a reason. This month i have been sick, a lot. Been in bed, A LOT. And it has been hard. When all i want to do is be a good host and good company to Peter, when he is here as my guest, and then my body doesn't cooperate with me. I have been nauseous, had all sorts of pains, had nights where i don't sleep well. Loss of appetite, stomach problems. All sorts of things, that have kept me in my room a lot. BUT not all of it has been bad. I have seen side of Peter that i wouldn't have otherwise. I have seen more of how much he loves me. How well he is able to take care of me and help me while i am sick. I have been so weak that i have been on the floor trying to get up with hands shaking, and he had to help me. It has been very humbling. It has been very blessed time, but also challenging. As i am stubborn, and want to be strong, it is very very very hard to accept help. To even ask help, or support. But i have had to do it. And he is the best person to take care of me. To be gracious and helpful. Not getting upset if i don't eat what he brings me. Or if i ask to go and remake what he brought me. Or if i need him to walk up and down the stairs over ten times, he does that. Because i know he cares for me and loves me. He has been a tremendous help in times of sickness and pains. Such comfort and support and blessing. I can't thank him enough, but i have tried.
And all that, has shown me more of God than before, in Peter. Through Peter, i've seen how i long to be. How others might see me, when i care for them. When i share my medicines, or force people to drink tea i make. (I do have that tendency at times) I have learned that it's okay to be sick, and i need to sometimes be sick and rest. I need to let go of my stupid Estonian stubborn behavior to push ourselves too hard. A lot of Estonians do that. Work even when they are tired, sick and weary. Just because that's how we always have done it. I am learning to let go. I am learning to figure out who i am on my own. Without that Estonian title. Because I am NOT who everyone else says i am. I am learning and discovering that it's okay to be sick. I am learning to let go of the guilt i feel when i am sick. The thoughts that say "but what will others think if i take time to rest? Will they be disappointed in me if i rest and i am sick? Will they understand me? Will they still like me?"... all those and other thoughts are my constant companions and i am learning that not all of them are helpful.
I am allowed to be weak, to be emotional, to be tired, to be sick. I need to tell that to myself. Not that i want to be sick, or tired, or to have no appetite or all the physical symptoms. Not at all. But i need to allow myself that sometimes. Other days i will again push myself more, to see if i can get out of bed and go to school regardless of how i feel. And that's also good. But accepting help and learning to ask it, is still a struggle.
Growing takes time. Growing takes effort and developing and processing. We, as a couple, are still growing. Still trying to rub off our rough edges, so we'd fit together better. This month has done some of that rubbing off. There have been tears, sadness, and pain. But there has also been tickle fights, long walks, a lot of chocolate and ice-cream and good times. Life is full of ups and downs and i wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't do it with any other man. I have seen more than i deserve of how he loves me. He is more than i could ever ask for in a man, in a future husband. And i am more than blessed. Yes, we will still have arguments, disagreements and struggles, but we will also learn to resolve them.
He is currently in a train, on his way to Copenhagen airport, to go home to his lovely country. It's strange, how an Estonian, living in Denmark, misses Australia more than I have ever missed Estonia. Estonians are very patriotic and proud of their nation as people. And here i am, missing Australia. I have fell in love with, not just an Aussie man, but also that country, that weather, nature, and the people there. More than grateful, more than blessed, i am here, a bit sad, but growing.
See you again, until next time,