The title is rather strange, i know. But let me explain.
- I'll start from the 34. There's 34 days until school is over! Oh wow! I am not sure how to react, how to feel. In some ways i am surprised that OH WOW how fast this year has gone. Also how much i have grown. How much things have changed. My feelings, thoughts, my whole being, my life. Everything. Also how much i have learned, about me mostly. But also about what i believe. Mostly though about how it's so so important to firstly give yourself grace. To take time to REST! Rest is so so important. How to allow, yes allow yourself to rest when you need it. Not to push yourself out to do things, just because you wonder what others think. How i am trying to dig out this dutiful feeling of guilt if things are left undone. It is not an easy process to have grace for yourself. Not to mention explaining it to others. But i am here met with so much understanding and grace and patience. I love that people understand that sometimes you just need a "me" day. Day where you need to think, rest your mind from people, activities and duties. And it's okay. I know it's a hard concept, especially for an Estonian. As most Estonians are know for being hard working. A lot of us Estonians would go to work even when sick. That's how much we don't think about ourselves. But always about others. I am not saying that you need to be selfish. No no. There's some selfishness maybe involved, but mostly it's about self-care. Sometimes even self-soothing. Like having a coping mechanisms or people you can go to. But yes, i have learned to accept help. Still learning. Still learning to accept help. To put down stubbornness, and just to say thank you when people help you. To ASK for help. Not to assume that people know how you feel or what you need. But do ask. People (including me) are not mind readers. So yes, asking questions and not assuming is good. Also learning to express my feelings and ask about other people's feelings.
- Stuff and things. Well apparently the same way that magically your headphones have learned the best knots and how to make them in your pocket while you aren't looking, same way, magically, my earthly possessions have multiplied in my college room. I came with 2 suitcases and 1 carry on. And now, well i can tell you that my things most definitely will not fit back in there. I wish i had less things, yet i am a girl and need something to wear right. And there's never anything to wear, right? :D Anyway, so today we try to do with one of my best friends, a free store in school. Just to give away things we don't use, don't want, (or can't bring with us) and just hoping we get rid of things. But also maybe swap some clothes. In my case, i soon need to pack my whole life in a suitcase, just one this time, and that means i can't bring a lot. Giving away big and bulky things. Maybe swapping them out to thinner and lightweight things. But yes, if you had to pack your life in a suitcase and move to another country, what would you bring? What are you willing to give away. Give away clothes, keep books and shoes? Keep clothes, give away books? Everything takes some space and weight. Extra weight and/or extra bag costs way toooo much. So yes. Hard choices, BUT i LOVE LOVE LOVE blessing others with things. I love to see how i can make people happy and joyful just by giving them things. :) Amazing thing. Also helps to clean my room and reorganize things.
- 5%. Well that might be a bit confusing. BUT exactly 5% of finances has already been provided to us by supporters on our Go Fund Me page (GFM in the future). See here: https://www.gofundme.com/mirjam
We made this because we really really want to learn to see how God provides and to trust Him. To not take more loans or to live in debt. We need tickets for me to get to Australia, to pay for visa, and also visa requires a back-up money to show that you can support yourself. I am so so surprised that people have given so much already and i am so happy that many more are considering and praying about how much to give! It's amazing! Also, a newest quote i like to use here: "The answer will always be NO, until you ask!" :) If you don't ask, you don't know if people will help/support you. Even if it's a dollar, or 5 or 10 or 200 or whatever. We appreciate everything. And i can't wait to get to Australia to be with the love of my life, to find a home for us, to get married, to move in together, to get a job. To start a new life. It is exciting, but it's also a bit scary. It's 34 days until the school finishes, and i don't have tickets (YET!!!). I have no idea how to pack my things into ONE suitcase (unless we find support enough to pay for extra bag). How will i fit in, find a job... there's a lot i have no idea yet. But all in all, me and Peter, we are learning to trust God, to lean on Him. To put our worries on Him. Not an easy thing to put them down and leave them there. It's easy to put them down and pick them back up. But we try. Giving ourselves grace to try and try again. Same way as God keeps forgiving us our mistakes and sins, no matter how many times we mess up.
In any case, i hope you will also consider supporting us. Pray about it. Ask God where are some finances you could spare to help us. Maybe you'll hear God saying a name to you, then don't hesitate to ask that person to help us. God does work in mysterious ways. And it's amazing! Listen to Him, but also, it's okay if He tells you that you shouldn't. Pray for us, that we would learn how amazingly He can provide, and that i'd get cheap tickets and visa approved (still waiting).
- Home. Even if living in another country, you have a place you call home. Maybe you don't think about it, but you go out and maybe you say unconsciously to people "i'm gonna go home now". What is that place you call home? How and when does it become a home? I don't know when my college room become my home. But it has. I have made it my own and i can certainly say i will miss i.t I will miss the way i have been able to decorate it with my drawings (if you have no idea what i am talking about, click on the social feed on top of the page and find my instagram post of my door in my room). It's strange how my room has become my mental castle. I feel safe there. My home is my castle. My fortress. And only people i allow, can enter. I the queen/princess there. I do what i want and when i want. If i want to have a crazy dance party in my PJ's, or have coffee in bed and then oops spill it, it's my thing. Or if i want to eat chips while laying down in bed and have all the seasoning fall on me shirt while binge watching tv-series. I can do that. Without caring what others think. I love that i can call it home.
But recently a strange feeling has stirred in me. A feeling of homesickness. I've lived in a foreign country before, but i think this time it's really hitting me. This strange sadness of missing the place you have lived, city where you know where things are, how to get to places. Where you know people and they know you. Yes i know people here too. I have learned where are important places here and all that. I am just missing home, the people, some foods and fellowship. It is a strange bittersweet thing. Sadness of missing people who are dear to your heart, not just people at home, but friends also. Sadness of how distance seems to take away so many relationships and how people are often very busy, not taking time to maintain relationships. Not blaming anyone, just sharing how i feel. I am sad. And that's okay. It's okay that people are busy. And after all i suck at keeping in touch too. I miss home cooked meals, or cosy talks around kitchen table. I miss the kiddos in our family. Playing with my parents dog. All sorts of big and small things. It's in some ways also nice. At least i can tell myself that i care for them and love them. There is something to miss, that means they matter. But now i have learned to make this place home. I think in my life i have had several places i can call home. Sometimes it's an address, a certain house. Sometimes it's people who really know you, your strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes it's a college room among other 90+ people in a small town in another strange country where you don't even speak their language. I have learned that home can mean a lot of things. And now i am wondering what to do with my homesickness. Besides writing about it.
So this is what has been happening lately. I am currently also dealing with some tooth problems. I didn't write that in the title and didn't plan to write about it, but sometimes things just come to mind. Well the other week, on a sunday, not this sunday, but previous. I suddenly had a toothache. As usual (yeah, usual. Don't ask), i took painkillers. Hoping and praying it would go away. After all i have (some?) faith and hope that God can heal. Not always fully believing. But as i said earlier, if you don't ask, answer is always no. So i prayed, others prayed. Toothache didn't want to listen this time. Didn't want to leave. I had enough painkillers so it didn't disturb my sleep. But then, figured it is not going away, we (Peter and I) had to make a decision. After some research on the prices, i almost fell of my chair here... Prices are around 4000DKK for stuff. Which is about 537euros and in Australian dollars that'd be 842aud. And that my friends, i call ridiculous!!!! Oh wow! Then as i was asking people to pray for me, people harmlessly suggested solution. Not sure why people do that. I mean sometimes i just ask prayer and they go on trying to fix things. Anyway, i understand they mean no harm, but yeah. Might have been slightly angry/annoyed at people who have no idea what they are talking about. Anyway, so after hard conversations and debates in my head, Peter said that he is gonna give me the money. Which is basically a debt. And i hate debt. And i had to accept that money. Because well my tooth was hurting. So i finally took up my courage (because i hate and fear) dentists, and thought to go see one in town. In this town i mean. So went to first one, and it said they open at 7:30 on the door. I was there at 8am, and nobody was there. With my lovely google translate i was able to decipher a message on the window. Which basically said that they are on vacation that week. That was like a wednesday. So then walked to a normal doctor asking what to do. They suggested try the other one. Me: "There's another one" (big eyes surprise!). Yay! Right? Nope. Wrong. So i went there and surely surely, they are closed. Luckily only on wednesday. So i go back the next day. Thursday and walk in, before they officially open (door was open so oh well). I walk in looking sad like a lost puppy. And saying: "Hi, i have a toothache, can you please help me". Our conversation was short. He basically said he is already overbooked for today. To which i was really sad. And asked if i could come tomorrow (friday), to which he said they are having a day off tomorrow. (Pentecost and public holidays here) So i was sent out. Without help. He suggested going to another town. But then i didn't really want to go anywhere. I wanted help. Right now. Like now. But i got none. I walked sadly away saying still thank you and a bye and left. I stopped right outside the door and cried. I mean, it is so exhausting to make a big financial decision to put all our savings and such to a dentist, and then these series of misfortunate events happen. And also as i am not really liking dentists and having rejection, just blew me off. I was sad, shocked and disappointed. I called Peter and we spoke. Surely he was again able to calm me down and i got back home. Where one of the teachers helped me to find an appointment the same day to a dentist in another town. She drove me there, came in with me and also came second time when they started root canal (i hate those). So going back today to see how the medicine thing in there is working. I have yet to see the bill for this, but it will be a lot. Oh how i hate debt. Can't wait to be debt free and use only what we have.
So there, a lot to read, i know, but if you got here, yay! Did you have a good read? You are always welcome to leave comments, send me an email or something. Oh, and if you leave comments, i'll approve it later (so it will appear later), to avoid spammers and mean people. Thanks for reading! Be blessed!