Most of my Christian life people have told me that "Mirjam, you are so brave to do this!" But I've personally never seen it like that.
It's been a little over a week and we have moved to Estonia, my homeland. Our new home. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was what we felt God was calling us to do. And that is the only way I have wanted to live my life, even before meeting Peter. Now, as we are together, I am blessed that I have a husband who follows God with me. Even when that means let's move to the entirely opposite side of this Earth and make that our new home. Even when we don't know (yet) why God called us here, we came. We know that when we walk in obedience, in trusting Him, that we can't end up being worse off than before. It can only get better walking in God's will.
There's always that. Nobody said that walking in obedience is easy. Imagine leaving everything you love behind and moving to a totally new country. For me, I've moved now three times. First, i left Estonia to go to Bible college in Denmark. Then I moved to Australia. And then after being there, making friends, loving my husbands family, again I had to move. For Peter, this is a first big move. And so far it seems he is settling in better than I am. In some ways, I understand that, because for him, everything is fairly new. He just has fond memories of our short time together here, when we first met.
For me though. Well, let's just say life hasn't been easy for me. Besides the fact that I arrived and got swollen ankles from flights, somehow managed to catch a cold from somewhere along the way and having all the other pregnancy stuff (including SPD pains now), then I deal with the fact that I need to keep my past in my past. When going back to where you have been before, inevitably your past wants to crawl out of the darkness again.
I've always, as long as I remember, been a very emotional person. I feel deeper than most others. And I also struggle to accept that. Even more so, I struggle to make others around me, especially Estonians, to understand that. You see, most Estonians don't even say "I love you" to their friends and family. Not very often at least. Estonians generally don't speak of how they are feeling, they rather speak of things that need to be done. So I've always felt out of place in this country. My emotions run deep.
I love deeply. I care deeply. Even when there are people around me who I care about and they hurt me, I still care. I still love them. And I can't help myself. I cry often, mostly behind closed doors, because I don't know how to explain myself. How do you explain your emotions to those who don't even talk about them? I feel that everyone around me can shove the hurt off their backs. Let it slide. Like water off a ducks back. But for me, filters are missing.
The closer you are, the closer you can hurt me. At least that's what I've discovered. In all this, of course, i do my best to hold on to God, to pray. To try to accept that this is how He made me. But even after 30+ years, it's a struggle. I am blessed that I have a husband who prays with me when all I can pray is "help" to God. But it certainly isn't easy dealing with this.
Doctors would label me anxious. Or depressed. Or both. They haven't seemed to get that I am just a bit different. I am not depressed. I mean sure, it's sad that I get hurt. Sure I have no clue how to talk to people, explain to them what hurts me so that it would stop. But no, I'm not depressed.
I can be a bit anxious, and at times it gets the better of me. The thoughts that race through your head when you are hurting. How life just seems doomed, and how your past hurts crawl up to join the new hurts. But latest the next morning, I'm mostly alright.
Life change is not always easy. Pregnancy hasn't been easy, but I know that once we hold our little one, it will be worth it. Same with following Go and moving to another country. I know that in the end, even if the end is when we meet Jesus face to face, it will be worth it. Surely my human self would love to know His plans now. Would love to know now that it's gonna be alright. That our life will get better. But we don't. And THAT is a very important lesson.
As followers of Jesus, we need to learn to trust. And be patient. And I am still learning. Through my physical pains and struggles, but also emotional ones. Through big and small life changes. Through just daily life. And after all, I will never be Jesus. I will never be perfect. I will however always be me. And maybe that's also a lesson to learn. To accept being me.