Today was just horrible. Terrible. Frustrating. Well it didn't start out like that. Well not entirely. Wait, let me rewind and start from the morning.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm, as i write this i can't even recall what my alarm sound is. Some things just become so routine that we forget them. Well maybe it's just me. But waking to my alarm i felt terrible. Not sure why, but waking up feels awful lately. And by lately i mean... emm 2-3 months or so? Can't even tell anymore. Sometimes i lose track of time how long i've had some things. So i try waking up, moaning about another day at the same time guilt tripping myself since the Bible asks us to be grateful and then another part of my mind going "yeah yeah, i know"... But nowhere is gratefulness seen that morning. I am tired. I wake up tired. Not refreshed and ready for a new day. I say hi to my fiancé on the other side of the world and say to be there soon. I really gotta get dressed and get myself some coffee. If i lay here a little longer after i've turned my alarm off, i just fall back asleep. And i hate being late. So i don't. I don't allow myself those "snooze" moments. Not unless it's a saturday and then i CAN sleep in, but my body hasn't figured it out. Automatic wake up super early to annoy me.
So i crawl out of bed, pull on jeans, throw on a shirt that doesn't stink (i really need to do laundry soon, running out of shirts) and grab some socks. Everything is cold outside my bed. I long to be under the covers in the warmness of my bed. But no, i drag myself out. First stop toilet with my empty coffee mug. Then downstairs to get coffee. Shoot, someone has yet again drank all the milk and not bring new one. And kitchen is closed. Oh well, milk powder must do again. Annoyed by even the small things. I get my cup of joe and crawl back up. Not literally crawl but shuffle my foot to move forward. Every move seems to take so much energy. Even balancing coffee without spilling. My back and legs hurt. Still. It's an ongoing thing. I'm working on it, but stairs don't make it easier. Neither does my forgetfulness to exercise. Not to mention tiredness.
I reach my room and almost fall to bed. Almost, because i'd hate to spill coffee. I grab my tech gear to get ready for video call, my devotional to do that together and call. I don't feel like doing devotional, but do it anyway. I don't feel like praying with this mood, but pray anyway. God knows anyway that i feel like this day sucks. And it has only begun. I feel terrible for being such bad company to my fiancé, for moaning about my feelings and feeling generally tired, grumpy and terrible. He on the other hand, well he is my sunshine, my calmness, my balance in this crazy world of mine.
Our talks are usual, pray first, devotional, then catch up on whatever we have typed to each other while the other has slept. Time difference.
In the meantime while we talk, i debate in my head whether to take a sick day. Last time i did, people forgot my food. In two days three times. If you already feel terrible with depression and anxiety, feeling lonely and sad, then small things like that, with no matter what reasoning, make you feel worse. So i try not to take sick days. But it is hard to leave my room on days like today.
I still go. I get myself down to breakfast (or brekkie like Australians say) and get through that. I get through wake up and get to class. I don't hear much, i am so distracted, tired and somewhere in my dreams and troubles. I have very much on my mind. Visa paperwork, health checks, doctors appointments, to-do lists, financial problems, wedding... and so much more. Not to mention generally wanting to be better as a human, as a christian, as a fiancée, as a future wife, as a sister to some, as a friend etc.
I hear some things from class, that require participation. We have a week about Holy Spirit. We pray for each other. At one point, they get to me and pray for my back. Nothing really changes. I don't know if i have lost faith that it doesn't get better, or it's not meant to be healed just yet? In that case i wonder why does God want me to walk around with back pain, but that's another topic... I am sure He doesn't want me. But i will never fully understand Him.
I try attending everything today, regardless of my pain and discomfort and tiredness. People ask if i can do something and i have to say no and they change plans because of me. And i feel like i have ruined everything. I feel the need to constantly apologise for having this pain and such. I can't help with cleaning because of my back. I couldn't participate in some other things, and i feel like i ruin things, like i am failing people all the time. I wish i was better, i wish i could help. I feel helpless, crippled and a disappointment. I'm sure if my friends read this, they'd tell me otherwise, but this is what goes on in my head... Daily!
I had a plan today! I planned to work on my visa today at creative class, since i didn't have any other projects that i wanted to do. So i tried. And that got me to a point where i almost cried. They ask so much that i start doubting if we have heard God right? Can i go to Australia, to live and work there, to be married there? What ? They want 30 years of my previous addresses and 15 years or something of my employment records? I can only remember last things... I have had mental stuff for long time and some of it has caused quite some memory loss. Some memories are there, some aren't. Some that are, are in the wrong order and etc. How on earth will i be able to get all this done? I can't possibly remember! I left the class and got to my room and cried. Again. I can't do this! I don't know what to do? Should we get married somewhere else and then try entering Australia? Should we forget about me living there, no matter how much i want to? I don't know what to do. I wrote Peter to call me when he gets up. I really need his calmness and support as soon as it is available. That's the trouble with long distance relationship. The one person who knows you and your problems and knows how to be there for you, might be sleeping while you need them the most. So please put all your emotions and things on hold and wait a bit. And so i will.
What anxiety feels like? Well sometimes it feels like all the air has been sucked out of the room and you lose your focus. You stare blankly at things you need to do and are just overwhelmed by the portion of the work you need to do. Everything seems more than you are capable of. Other times, anxiety feels like a cold scary monster that comes to crush you down and you are just a scared little girl who is just afraid of everything. People even looking at you might be scary. Anyway, it's complicated. Everything seems to be.
But in the midst of all this, i have some strange gratefulness. After all my tears, fears, lack of air, scared moments, i have this amazing fiancé, who knows all of this, who knows more than any of you will every know. Who can manage me even during my panic anxiety moments, even when i am sobbing like crazy for no reason at all. Even when things that make me cry make no sense and at all and i am just talking nonsense. I am grateful, for he is still there. He understands. He comforts. He also forgives. And i ask him to. I am not always nice when i am anxious. I don't always know how to express myself. But he has patience to wait, to listen, to learn. And i am beyond grateful to God and to Peter. I am more than blessed. Even in the midst of all this troubled stressful times. Even when we are almost 16000km apart, we got each other.
I'll finish there and wait for my sweetheart to wake up. Hoping he can listen to me and talk some reason into my head so i could sleep without overthinking this.