anxiety

Mommy thoughts - parenthood

21 weeks now I have been a mom. Even though our little one is in my tummy for now - that on its own makes me a mother. Taking care of a child starts in the womb. At least for me and us. I know that baby needs nutrition, occasional gentle exercise (mostly walks for us). I know how I feel comfortable and your body or the baby will let you know when you are doing something wrong. Be it your body making you have acid because you ate the wrong things, or baby kicking around inside you when you are laying on the wrong side. (that last one hasn't happened to me yet, but I've heard that some moms...

2:31 - A.K.A mental health rant again.

It's 8:50pm previous night and i feel i can't stay awake. We stop the sermon we were listening and Peter sends me off to bed. I fall asleep quickly. That hasn't been a problem most times. Falling asleep part is easy.

1:20am. First time opening my eyes after Peter got to bed. I am immediately frustrated. NO! It's too early. I try closing my eyes and toss for about an hour.

2:31am. I have given up and have gotten out of bed and turn on living room light. Making coffee is a hassle. Making anything is hard. Lack of sleep has caused so many problems.

***

It's way too early,  but here i am....

Too much...

2:49. My mind doesn't want to accept that number on my phone. 2:49. And i am awake at this hour. Can't really call it a morning, but what else would you call it. I again explain to my husband - "i can't sleep...", kiss him, and leave him to sleep. Getting up to get coffee. My brain wide awake ready for well everything. Before i reach the toilet, my mind is already racing with million thoughts. Before i get to the coffee machine or a glass of water, well the plan for this day has been made, remade and replanned several times. So many thoughts, with so little energy. My body is tired of my...

I'm sorry...

Dermatillomania/excoriation/SPD/BFRB - today's honest talk. WARNING: contains details of self-harm.... 
Before i continue, know that this is not easy for me to share. But i want to spread some awareness. Awareness of what people deal with. Sometimes for decades without having solutions, without telling others, without even close friends noticing anything. I am gonna tell you about my secret. And after i press publish on this, it's more of a public secret. No, not a secret no more. I don't want to hide behind these masks that i have built myself, thinking "Oh, i got this" or "i'll get over...

Self-harm and anxiety

I really can't remember if i have previously shared about this. But i have a problem. I hurt myself.

When i speak of self-harm most people first think of cutting. Like you see teenagers do with razors or other sharp things. In my case that's not it. Self-harm can be anything that is hurtful to you. Be it from physical harm like cutting, burning, hair pulling, starving etc... to mental like comparing yourself to others, criticizing yourself and so on. There is so many different forms of self harm, but i want to openly share about mine.
If you think this is ridiculous and disgusting, you are...

New meds, loads of side effects and Peter visiting!

So for the last, emm... maybe three weeks, no. Yes, more or less. Maybe four. Anyway, almost a month, i've been on new medication. It's called Sertrone, or Sertrolin. Active ingredient is serotonin. It's for my anxiety, social anxiety, small panic and stuff like that. I got diagnosed with GAD, which is general anxiety disorder. It was too hard living with it on my own and trying to cope and just deal with it, and for a long time i thought i could be strong and handle it. Like usually. But it didn't pass. And i couldn't handle myself. So i though to give meds a try.
Well sad thing is, like...

Moving, hospitals and anxiety

In the background playing this

But what i wanted to write (when i am not singing along to the songs :D ), is that i am praising God!!! For several reasons.
1. I AM BACK IN MY ROOM! I lived in the guesthouse for a week and a half and during that time my room got renovated. I have more or less all new furniture, carpet on the floor now, new sink with cupboard under it and above it, new shelves, bed, nightstand, table, even trash can! I am very happy! And i think i did a personal moving record. I have moved a lot in my life. But this time moved from guesthouse back to my room all of my...

Moving and all that

Well been a while again since i've written. Today i sit in public area in the college because i moved. I had to move out of my room since they are renovating. I know people say that "oh wow, how wonderful", but what i see is that i need to get out of my routine. I am very stuck with my routine and it's rather challenging to be pushed out of that. I moved to another building. But the thing is that there's no wifi there. It makes me feel isolated. I mean i am so used to being connected with Peter and with my friends, so living without it, is rather..ermm, on edge. Yes, i feel being on edge....

Writing anxiety smaller

Today was just horrible. Terrible. Frustrating. Well it didn't start out like that. Well not entirely. Wait, let me rewind and start from the morning.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm, as i write this i can't even recall what my alarm sound is. Some things just become so routine that we forget them. Well maybe it's just me. But waking to my alarm i felt terrible. Not sure why, but waking up feels awful lately. And by lately i mean... emm 2-3 months or so? Can't even tell anymore. Sometimes i lose track of time how long i've had some things. So i try waking up, moaning about another day...

Expressing your inner most thoughts

I can tell you this is not easy. In no way what is going on in my head is easy. I don't say this to get pity, or even sympathy. No, i say that because it's true.

I woke up today at 2:45. Yes, in the middle of the night. Sweating. It is odd. I know. I looked at my phone to check the time. And thought to try sleeping more. I tried. For entire 15-20 minutes. While that time passed my mind was racing. I remembered an odd dream before i woke up about a pencil case and how it was so perfect. Random, i know. I also thought how i am so sick of being so sick. I thought about writing this and so now...

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