mental health

Think about what you are thinking about!

Check your thoughts

I am sitting in our new/old home, i am happy! I really am! And why? For so many reasons to call myself blessed. But more on that later.

For now, i want you to think about something. If you are female, you can more than likely relate to the body-image struggles. You see EVERYWHERE skinny people. You might think that you are fat, disgusting, wobbly, could loose some weight, not fit, need to exercise and/or diet. And all those other thoughts that go through your head. You might feel that when someone gives you feedback, that you aren't good enough. That's what you think,...

2:31 - A.K.A mental health rant again.

It's 8:50pm previous night and i feel i can't stay awake. We stop the sermon we were listening and Peter sends me off to bed. I fall asleep quickly. That hasn't been a problem most times. Falling asleep part is easy.

1:20am. First time opening my eyes after Peter got to bed. I am immediately frustrated. NO! It's too early. I try closing my eyes and toss for about an hour.

2:31am. I have given up and have gotten out of bed and turn on living room light. Making coffee is a hassle. Making anything is hard. Lack of sleep has caused so many problems.

***

It's way too early,  but here i am....

Too much...

2:49. My mind doesn't want to accept that number on my phone. 2:49. And i am awake at this hour. Can't really call it a morning, but what else would you call it. I again explain to my husband - "i can't sleep...", kiss him, and leave him to sleep. Getting up to get coffee. My brain wide awake ready for well everything. Before i reach the toilet, my mind is already racing with million thoughts. Before i get to the coffee machine or a glass of water, well the plan for this day has been made, remade and replanned several times. So many thoughts, with so little energy. My body is tired of my...

7 - 27 - 14 % - 68. Read to understand what numbers mean.

7.

For about the last 7 days, i have been mentally really in a bad place. I have blogged previously about anxiety and such. Well this last week has been way worse than every before. My anxiety got to a point where i almost daily cried. Where fear and tension was my daily companion. One day also had a panic attack. That moment when your fears and worries take over your mind and you start crying and crying turns into some sort of breathing weirdness. Not entirely hyperventilating, but like you don't have enough air. You feel paralyzed and weak. Not that you would actually be paralyzed, but...

Moving, hospitals and anxiety

In the background playing this

But what i wanted to write (when i am not singing along to the songs :D ), is that i am praising God!!! For several reasons.
1. I AM BACK IN MY ROOM! I lived in the guesthouse for a week and a half and during that time my room got renovated. I have more or less all new furniture, carpet on the floor now, new sink with cupboard under it and above it, new shelves, bed, nightstand, table, even trash can! I am very happy! And i think i did a personal moving record. I have moved a lot in my life. But this time moved from guesthouse back to my room all of my...

Moving and all that

Well been a while again since i've written. Today i sit in public area in the college because i moved. I had to move out of my room since they are renovating. I know people say that "oh wow, how wonderful", but what i see is that i need to get out of my routine. I am very stuck with my routine and it's rather challenging to be pushed out of that. I moved to another building. But the thing is that there's no wifi there. It makes me feel isolated. I mean i am so used to being connected with Peter and with my friends, so living without it, is rather..ermm, on edge. Yes, i feel being on edge....

Expressing your inner most thoughts

I can tell you this is not easy. In no way what is going on in my head is easy. I don't say this to get pity, or even sympathy. No, i say that because it's true.

I woke up today at 2:45. Yes, in the middle of the night. Sweating. It is odd. I know. I looked at my phone to check the time. And thought to try sleeping more. I tried. For entire 15-20 minutes. While that time passed my mind was racing. I remembered an odd dream before i woke up about a pencil case and how it was so perfect. Random, i know. I also thought how i am so sick of being so sick. I thought about writing this and so now...

The blues

I wake up and feel, well to be honest terrible. I crawl out of my bed with aches and pains and my stomach feeling weird. I keep remember what a friend (H) said the other day. "Mirjam, have you thought that maybe this is God putting you through things so you might have the gift of prophecy, they had also a lot of struggles in the Bible. Prophetic people. " And i have constantly thought about that. I don't know what is wrong with me. And why. It is hard to even battle the mental stuff, but add the physical and i am just exhausted. I tried enjoying myself yesterday and then waking up today, i...