For recent weeks, no, i think more like months, i have felt like i have been attacked. Not that someone had attacked me, no-no! But that me as a person have been under attack. Not by people, but by problems. See i’ve been sick. I can’t tell you i have been VERY sick, because you might assume then that i have cancer or something. Which i don’t. Not that i know of at least (sorry for my morbid humour here). Anyway, my health has been rather strange. And as a soul, spiritual being as we are as humans, it’s rather annoying to be in a non-functional body. I feel the terrible need to fix it. To make my body work. But i haven’t been able to. Haven’t know what has been going on. I have accounted for over 20 different symptoms. Maybe over 25, i can’t remember. But it’s a lot. And it’s confusing. Very confusing. But more so concerning. And worrying, which in turn can cause some symptoms. In any case, finally took all my courage and booked an appointment with a doctor. I was determined to fix this body of mine, even if i didn’t do it all by myself. See i like doing things by myself, but we need help sometimes from others.
Even booking an appointment was a strange thing. See i live in Denmark, and i don’t speak the language. And surely everything is in, of course, you guessed it, Danish. And no, they mostly don’t have English button on their webpages. Sadly. So hello Google translate! I wondered how much Google translate can i test. Well surely enough, plenty! Because i figured out, all on my own without any Danish friends this time, how to make an account on the local doctors website. How to book an appointment and book it! Yes! Felt so victorious, even when i had help from Google. Still. I did it! :D
Anyway, so i went to the doctor and was ready to splurt out all my symptoms. And she didn’t want to hear that. She asked me what is the most urgent thing, most important right now that we should focus on. Lost a little of my enthusiasm here, but i focused on a little then. And this is me telling you all the private stuff that most people wouldn’t. Why? Well, i wonder, if i do it long enough, would my see-through living, honesty, openness, inspire others to do the same? See, the more see-through and open life you live, the less you need to hide. And the less you need to hide things, the less you need to remember who did you tell that secret too and all that. Sure i have secrets and private life too, but i have chosen to open my life up very much, just for the sake of being a see-through christian. What you see is what you get. I am just as open in real life as i am on these pages here. Maybe just not with so many words, but still.
Anyway, so back to the doctors office. One of my things that was really keeping me from going to classes in college, were my legs and my back and my knee. So doc, my back hurts, lower back, see here (me pointing) and then sometimes the pain goes down either one of my legs. And see my calves hurt like a lot, when i sit more. And then my knee hurts. So i can’t get up easily if i need to squat. (this is just a start of my symptoms that i plan to load off to her) So she asks some questions, examines my legs, finds nothing. Asks me to stand up, knocks my back and all. And then gets to my bottom and presses down. And i go OUCH! There we go, we found something that hurts. Quite a few spots actually, on my bottom! Seriously how weird is that when someone has to touch your bottom to find the cause of your problems? I understand, it’s just a body and all that, but still little weird. Anyway, so she smiles and declares that she has a solution! Me: AHAAA!? Well i was little happy as it’s a start. There’s a reason why everything hurts from lower back and going down. Not everything, but you know. Anyway, she explains to me that this thing, that has a complicated name, called piriformis syndrome, is basically when muscles in my bottom (behind, bum, whatever you wanna call it) are swollen and are pressing on my nerves, which is why all the pains happens in my lower back and which is why i have calves hurting like crazy. So she wanted to give me some medicine, but you can’t take that when you have heartburn or ulcers or something (another one of those things i wanted to talk to her, but she only had 15min for me). So she put me on paracetamol and showed me a webpage with exercises i need to do. I found an english one or a few, when i got home. And now i need to do that daily. So yes, that was one thing. I also suspect that i might have some food intolerance, so i strongly suggested we do a blood test or something. So we booked that in for next week. And then week after blood test, i go back to her. I’d go sooner, but i don’t want to keep filling out these papers to get time off from school. Easier to wait a bit and hope i don’t get worse.
So that was doctors. Besides all that, i am working on a visa together with my now fiancé, to get myself over to Australia, to get married there and live there and work there. AND that is a headache to happen all the time. It is not easy for a person who hates details lately. I used to love them, but now they are overwhelming a lot. Anyway, i try my best to force myself to do it. Because only i can do the Estonian part of that. Then there’s marriage book we are doing together weekly. Then there’s school homework i should be doing. Then there’s a wedding hopefully happening that i should be thinking about. And somewhere in there is me in a chaotic mess trying to stay above the waves that want to crash me down. But i will not surrender to the pressure, i will keep my head above the waves and survive. I know God has a hold of me and i just need to remember to pray about EVERYTHING! I can’t stress this enough to myself and others. For example i walk and see someone writing an assignment. And i ask, how’s it going. Oh i’m so tired, exhausted, so much more to do, i don’t know what to write. And my first response, did you pray about it. Answer is no, and my answer to that, is that’s where you should start and i’ll leave you to it then. Life somehow gets easier if we pray first. Trust God to take over, to lead, to help. Lean into Him. I know i forget that too. I know i often preach to myself here. But it is important. We need Him, and we need to put Him first.
My health isn’t better YET. But it’s a start. My stress levels aren’t better YET. But i start to lean in to God more. And that’s a good place to start.