"I'm Sorry" - Unapologetic
These two things in the title, they really don’t fit together. One of them is something that i have learned from early age. To be sorry. For almost anything. Just to be safe you say it more often than you really need to. Just so you wouldn’t cause others hurt, or maybe even before hurt comes you say “sorry” before every other sentence, opinion or comment.
The other part - being unapologetic - is something I REALLY REALLY still need to learn. This is what i want to write about.
But first, let me share where the inspiration for this blog post comes from. I am entertaining my unemployed self with knitting and while knitting, i might as well watch something. Usually documentaries, tv-shows of realistic stuff (like supernanny or world’s strictest parents etc), or TED talks. They are fun!
So here’s one. Well two. I suggest you take that time and watch both of them to fully understand what i am about to talk about. :)
These two videos made me think. Well actually after watching anything like this (educational stuff), i more or less always try to ask myself - “what have you learned or discovered this time?”. It makes me wonder and investigate my thoughts, as to not just watch things for the sake of entertainment, but to dig deeper. Into my own thoughts and feelings.
Speaking of feelings… The first video says how a lot of us carry superhero capes. I like to call them masks. And even though she was an addict and speaking of where she came from, i believe that so many of us, even healthy people, carry masks /superhero capes. Things we try to hide behind. BECAUSE society has told us to be tough. To hide our feelings. To try to be better, stronger, tougher and so on.
This is the first time i gather my courage and share what i have gone through. Openly and publicly.
I have always felt sensitive. I mean by that having too many feelings. And in my country, it was not very welcomed thing. I even remember times where i have had to stop crying because i wasn’t physically hurt. And i was told that. As a kid. I was hurt in my heart, in my feelings. But that didn’t matter. The crying, the hurt - it was not welcomed. I needed to be tough. To learn to just “deal with it!”. So early on i learned to hide and put away my feelings. Or in extreme cases, crawl to a wardrobe or some other hidden place to cry. Because crying wasn’t understood.
I have always tried to fit in. To be better, stronger, bolder, braver. But never in my life i have felt completely accepted, loved and well good enough. (well until i learned about God!)
And i walked around with masks. Putting away feelings. Be it hurt, insults, even abuse and deep sorrow. Because that’s what i had learned. Just deal with it and move on. Your feelings don’t matter. But now, as an adult, taking those masks off and being VULNERABLE - oh my, that is hard!
How the deep pain that has been hidden hurts. How there’s almost a grief over me at times, because of how much i have hidden. I am not saying it’s gonna be easy, but it sure is necessary to live a successful life.
The second video made me understand that i too am sensitive. I don’t know if i classify myself as highly sensitive person, but i sure can relate to a lot of the things she said there. How you are more creative and how you sometimes get into zone with creativity. And other times you are just crying and experiencing deep sorrow. How other peoples’ feelings mean a lot to you and how you environment can sometimes annoy you (that dripping tap thing).
I relate to that. But i have also been afraid of that. Showing my feelings. Because nobody has shown me before that it’s okay to have them. I have hid behind a brave mask, or sarcasm or whatever else that was convenient, but that is not how life works. I have been most rewarded in friendships and relationships (read: with my dear husband), when i have been open, honest, vulnerable. YES, it sure is hard. Because you have no cape or mask to protect you from possible hurt. BUT i tell you! It is SO SO rewarding when you get surprised by their honesty, their gentleness towards you and that understanding. When you can share secrets and KEEP secrets with your friends. When you can discuss deep hurts and let someone be there next to you handing you tissues. Or when you can experience great joy and laughter with someone. Not being alone. Not hiding away. But staying true to who you were made to be. Unapologetic. Well, not always i know to do that. I still have that learned behavior of saying a lot of “sorry”-s. But life is all about learning, and so i am. Learning to be me. Learning to embrace that i am more sensitive and if the world can’t accept that, then i will find a different world that does. No, i don’t meant the planet. :D I mean, find people who accept you for who you are and LOVE you for it! Yes, LOVE you! And adore you and appreciate you and even seek your advice, companionship, friendship. That’s the kind of people i love to have in my life. And it has taken a while to find them, but i think i’ve got a pretty good start.
I have had to let a lot of people go in my life. And it has hurt me. But in the end it is better for me. They haven’t loved me the way i needed them to. They hurt me, belittled me, insulted me, abused me, put me down in more ways than i can count. And i don’t need people like that. At first i thought they were cool. But as i got more and more hurt, i realized i deserve better. I deserve good people around me. And God has granted me that. I don’t have many friends, but the ones i do have, even though little in numbers (and far in distance right now), i call them my true friends. They know my secrets and they didn’t run away. :D They listen to me and i to them, and we pray together. We tell each other horrible things, but also wonderful things.
Besides that, God has blessed me with a wonderful husband. Who is way more than i could have ever asked God! (trust me i had a long list of requirements! :P) And i cherish my hubby and his family.
I know it’s hard to be sensitive. To be a person with feelings. BUT that’s what we are made into. That’s how you and I were created. With feelings. To experience joy, sorrow, anger, hurt, and all other emotions. It is what makes us human. And trying to hide feelings, just takes away human from you. I encourage you to start taking off your masks. Evaluating who you allow in your life to influence you and being true to who you are!
Be blessed and true!