Marriage Is a Half Untucked Bed
I originally planned to write this almost a month ago. But Peter, my lovely husband and it-man, was doing updates on my site. Anyway, as i was changing bed sheets one day and noticed something. Like the picture above. This is how the end of our bed looks like. I realized that we had learned to compromise in marriage. Not just that, but to accommodate each others quirks and wishes.
Society shows us movies and animations about wonderful love, and how everything looks like a fairytale right? Maybe since you were a little girl (or a little boy ?), you dreamed that one day that special someone comes along and life will be like unicorns, rainbows and sparkle and glitter.
Well, life is everything but that. Yes there will be times where you are feeling amazingly blessed, like everything is just right. How i feel that, so very often, that i got so much more than i have ever prayed or asked for. How my husband and my life is way more than i could ever have imagined. BUT! Don’t, in no way, expect only what you see in movies.
There will be times when…
…you are smacking yourself in the forehead and wonder what ? Why? What just happened…
Or other times when you are so so upset at something so so ….well unimportant. No, it doesn’t seem unimportant at that time, but later, looking back, it will. Guaranteed.
There will be times where you want to argue about the most ridiculous things. And at the time of arguing you don’t think that they are ridiculous. But later they will. Be it how you two will now fold towels (but i’ve always done it like this and my family did it like that), or something a bit bigger like how much you need to spend on groceries. Or who does what at home - dishes, cleaning, cooking.
There will be times of utter, enormous, breathtaking disappointment. Times where regardless of your love, caring and all that, you disappoint one another. Big time. So big that you are out of words, in disbelief that someone you love, and someone who loves you, would do that.
But it’s all part of life. You will make up and forgive each other. Because you love one another.
You come together again, because you CHOSE this person for LIFE. No way out. Not even an option to divorce. You need to make sure you know that before you get married. If you go into marriage thinking “if this doesn’t work out, we can divorce…” please don’t! Don’t do that to the other person. Marriage is meant for life. You choose your life partner. With their faults, quirks and habits.
You forgive, because you are forgiven too.
Regardless of how long you dated, or were engaged, marriage will teach you so much. You will see everything they do. From the way they make their breakfast, or what they like and don’t like to eat. To the other end of things, how do they smell when they are sweaty. Do they snore? Do they have strange ticks that they do (you know like some people tap their fingers, or bite their lips etc). And also discover what drives you crazy and what you will find completely and utterly so adorable you want to squeeze their cheek and say “awwwww”!
Marriage is a life long commitment. There will be hurt. There will be disappointments, arguments, disagreements, pain, sadness, loss. Go into marriage knowing and EXPECTING that, then it will be easier. But there is also so many blessings, laughter, joys, funny moments only you two can share. There will be inside jokes. There will be random adventures. There will be long walks and talks while holding hands. There will be adorable moments you wish you could capture, but you can’t, so you’ll treasure memories. Like when your husband tucks you in in the middle of the night when he notices you shivering. Or how you know some looks and expressions from his face are meant only for you, his wife.
Marriage is also a place where i sadly noticed that i wish i had dealt with my past more before hand.
For those still single or dating
Here’s some advice from someone who is married and can’t go back in time.
Marriage brings out things from the past. There is trust between the two of you, but if there are things from the past, you have maybe buried and not dealt with, they will come up. It can be disappointments, hurt, anger from previous relationships, resentment from being single, insecurities, abuse, or any other sort of things that preferably you don’t want to bring to the marriage. Sadly, or maybe fortunately, i didn’t deal with my past before i got married. Quite a few people told me to. But God knows i wasn’t ready.
My lovely supportive husband has been such a help in this time. As two personalities, habits, ticks, needs, wants and wishes clash, there will be some thunder clouds above your heads. Things you didn’t even think about before, will come up.
If there’s one thing i recommend for people still single, dating or engaged, is that please, please please please, deal with the “baggage” you carry with you. I know now, that our marriage surely would be easier, if i had known how to do that, or if i would’ve paid more attention to it. But past is in the past, and i can’t take back what i have done, been through or experienced. But i can share the importance of dealing with your issues.
Every person is different. I know that. None of us is perfect. I have made mistakes, sinned, asked forgiveness. I have been in places where i have been hurt, used, abused, dumped, torn down. What i can do about that is take it to God. So can you.
Right now, God is so much dealing with my heart, that i feel like i am in a hospital, having God’s heart surgery. Yes, it’s painful, it takes time, and effort, and patience from those around me. Like my husband. But it is so necessary, and much needed. So i urge you, if you could please, deal with things now. While there’s only one person involved. Take into your marriage as little, minimal or preferably no “baggage” as you can.
My husband has seen how i struggle with things. Be it being scared to loose him (for so many people have walked out of my life before), or small things like but i want to do this MY WAY. There’s so so much you will learn. But important thing is that you are willing to learn. You need to understand that you two love one another, therefore you will make an effort to help each other out. Reasonably. Learning to compromise is not easy, but is so necessary. Two of you want two different things. You need to find the middle ground.
You will also learn to accommodate each other. And i don’t mean that as a hotel term or something. I mean you will learn to accept and handle each others ticks, quirks, habits. At times some things that seem cute, may turn into annoyance. At times annoying things may turn into cuteness. Go figure, life is strange like that.
First and foremost you need to have God in your and his life FIRST!
Even before we got married, we started praying together. And that is one of the things that i believe keeps christian couples together. I am not saying this to brag, or for us to seem “holy” or something. I literally believe that is one of the biggest things you need to establish in your own life, but also in your relationship. To be on the same page. One of my most frequent question to Peter is “Have you prayed about it?”. And quite often, him and I both admit, that nope, we forgot. It’s good to encourage one another to pray about EVERYTHING. Yes, i mean that. It can be as little as grocery list, or as big as making up after a disagreement. And everything between, but also beyond that.
Before you get married, you need to know who is your number 1. God needs to be that. ALWAYS. There have been times, i admit, where i have failed to do that. I have put something else first. It can be anything from your friends or family, to tv, facebook, food, or whatever else that takes more priority than God. What or who do you rely on? As a christian, we need to have God first. Without that, we will idolize the other person in the marriage (or relationship) and start looking to them for answers, support, comfort, hope and all that. And then they fail us, for they are human. And not God. We might even go as far as trying to “fix” things on our own. I know i have. Quite several times. There is something wrong, i keep trying different things to fix it. And keep failing. Only to then remember, oh, didn’t pray about it. “Sorry, Daddy!” And i go to prayer asking forgiveness for being foolish again. He helps, but we need to ask.
God is a priority, when he isn’t, things go downhill rather easily. We were built to need him. No human can fill that hole and emptiness in our hearts. That longing for something more. That longing that no human can fill. It stays true in marriage. We pray together as a couple, but it’s also important to still have your own personal relationship with God. Why? Well, sometimes, God speaks to you separately. Sometimes God can say one thing to you, to tell to the other person. Encourage, correct them. Teach them. Sometimes you need answers as a couple and need to pray apart, to get same answers from God, to then come together with the same answers and that will be your confirmation that this is his will.
Marriage is life long commitment, full of learning. Full of growing, shaping, molding. Full of joy, laughter, fun, but also sorrow, sadness, anger, disappointment, frustration and so on. But it is worth it.
If you are now waiting for someone special, please keep seeking God. He will give you strength for the wait. He will find the right guy/girl, even if he/she is in the other end of the world (like in my case). Your job is to be obedient.
Be encouraged that yes, marriage will be hard, but it will also be worth it. It will have so much good, blessings and trust between the two of you, that you have at times trouble finding words to thank God with. I know i have. I am so grateful for my best friend, my cuddly man, my handsome prince, my dear loving supportive encouraging husband. Yes we make mistakes. But we also are learning to forgive. Learning what true love is.
Read: 1 Corinthians 13.
Until next time, be blessed!