So for the last, emm… maybe three weeks, no. Yes, more or less. Maybe four. Anyway, almost a month, i’ve been on new medication. It’s called Sertrone, or Sertrolin. Active ingredient is serotonin. It’s for my anxiety, social anxiety, small panic and stuff like that. I got diagnosed with GAD, which is general anxiety disorder. It was too hard living with it on my own and trying to cope and just deal with it, and for a long time i thought i could be strong and handle it. Like usually. But it didn’t pass. And i couldn’t handle myself. So i though to give meds a try.
Well sad thing is, like with any other medication, this one too has side effects. And they are not easy ones to cope with. Side effects that are listed on the paper include vomiting, diarrhea, nightmares, sleeplessness, or sleeping too much, loss or gaining appetite, nausea, suicidal and/or negative thoughts etc. So yes, wonderful. And this is supposed to help me get better? Yes, apparently.
So i listen to my doc and get them. First two days, i am overjoyed! Wow, this is like a happy pill, i think! Everything seems to have unicorns and rainbows and life is wonderful. From about 3rd day or so, life sucks. It’s like clouds have returned and we are under heavy rain, and storm, and hail and everything. Not mentally, but more physically. I didn’t want to get up. I was tired all the time and didn’t feel like doing anything.
Then we up my dosage and again, first few days, oh happy days! And down again after first few days. Additionally i got nausea. And some gas. And some loss of appetite due to nausea. Which in turn with not eating makes me dizzy. Great. But anxiety sure is smaller.
But yes, it is hard to be part of your daily life, if you feel constantly like throwing up. Not actually throwing up, but that twisting in your tummy before that. All the time. Got worse when i lay down, so sleeping was also, complicated.
Few weeks later, doctor upped my dosage again. And nausea has been a bit better, but loss of appetite is still here. I have still trouble falling asleep and it’s not nice. And strange thing is that some food smells make it worse. Even stranger is that sweets are still okay to eat. But that’s not healthy in the long run.
So yes, this is what i am battling with. AND also trying to be a good host to Peter. He arrived on monday evening, in pouring rain and lightning, i met him in Hobro train station. He and I were both tired, as he had been traveling and i had been way too excited to see him. The next day i was in school, because i wanted to be there for him. Show him around and all that. Wednesday, i tried being there, but at one point, things got overwhelming and was feeling rather awful, and excused myself. Later that day, Peter saw me at my worst. I was crying, sitting on the floor and he had to help me peel and eat an orange as i was so weak that my hands were shaking. I wanted so badly to be a good host for him. He is my guest and here i am, weak, fragile, broken, feeling rather awful and this body just doesn’t want to co-operate. I felt awful. And i cried. And he, well he as usual, was his charming self. He is my hero. In everything. He stayed calm. He fed me, he took care of me. He helped me get up and get better. He brought me food and prayed for me. I am more than grateful to have this man here, and so humbled in tears while i was on the ground and he is the one picking me up. Christ’s love through Peter is so visible and so humbling.
And yesterday i spent my day also in bed. I was still weak, and dizzy, not eating much. And he brought me food, stayed with me through the evening and took care of me more than i could’ve asked. I am humbled to see this side of me and letting him serve me, is not an easy thing for me who is used to doing things on her own. Or being so independent. I am learning to let go of control. Learning to let others help me. And it’s a good lesson to learn. Also, how do i take care of me? I often haven’t. I have pushed myself way over my physical limits and just been through motions while not feeling well. Just gotten through things i need to do, and now, in Bible college I am really learning that i need to take care of me. If i don’t say that i am not feeling well, nobody else won’t know and they won’t know how to help. If i don’t say that my back hurts, then i keep getting back breaking jobs or duties. Or if i don’t say that i can’t handle something, then people will keep putting loads on me that i can’t carry.
So yes, learning to speak up, to say what i need and how others can help me.
Peter being here, has already been such a blessing. And he seems to be enjoying himself. He has settled in nicely with different classes, new schedule, a lot of people and so on. Hope i am strong enough to show him around too. Keep us in prayes, my dear readers, as i it is not an easy time, but a rather challenging time.
Until next time, be blessed!