So it’s been a while. But life just gets away from me.
I thought it’s about time to reveal that i struggle. Yup, like everyone else in the world, we have our own struggles. And this picture is a great example of how it’s complicated.

I cried this morning. And last night. Because the struggle is really really hard. I know a lot of people share about their struggles once they are better, or once they get through them. But i think it’s best to write just now. In the middle of the storm.

I recently got two new diagnoses. One - i have an eating disorder. To be more specific, binge eating disorder. Two, i have IBS as well. On top of everything else.
Okay, thanks for reading, until next time.
Just kidding.

I mean, i have to use humour, or i might cry again. I hate, yup hate! That i am like this. My back hurts. Since first pregnancy. So that is 3 years of back pain EVERY SINGLE DAY. Imagine that? Probably most people can’t.
Now, imagine that getting worse. So much so that i can’t most days stand straight anymore. It’s gone down to my bottom. And it hurts. Real bad. I can’t walk much. I can’t stand much. Can’t stand up straight. I’m hunched over. This morning i almost fell over, gladly i landed on a couch.
And yes, i have seen a doctor. I have asked my doctor three or four times to do an x-ray or something. But it hasn’t happened. Because she still thinks that it’s just physiotherapy i need. So i am on my third physiotherapist. I’ve also seen chiropractor and osteopath. And doing exercise daily. And it’s gotten worse.

Then, i have fibromyalgia. It’s a very complicated thing, with mostly no cure for it. And because of breastfeeding, i can’t take most medications. In my case, it mostly affects my pain levels, makes everything more painful, and is also sensitive around my rib cage.

Then, i have anxiety. Often noise makes me upset as well. And having two kids, well you can imagine they aren’t very quiet always. But hey, they try. And i try getting better. I see a therapist for that and have medication. But it doesn’t cure itself immediately.

Then, binge eating disorder. Yes, an actual eating disorder. No, i don’t starve myself. That’s anorexia. No, i don’t throw up when i eat too much. I just eat too much and eat often cause i am stressed. Cause i need comfort or support or something. And then childhood trauma background. And physical illnesses. It all contributes. But I’m trying to acknowledge that i have a problem. I am seeing a therapist and dietitian for that. To get better. But all comments on my size, weight gain, clothes, body and all that. Sensitive to say the least.

And IBS. Which is irritable bowel syndrome. To me that means often stomach pains, bloating, gas, constipation or most cases diarrhoea. Yay for me?! (again, excuse my dark humour)

And then, all this will be added to daily life with two kids, managing the household, worrying about finances. Not being able to go for walks (cause back pain), not being able to lift my baby (cause back pain), wanting to cook healthy dinners through pain. Trying to manage kids, with lots of emotions from a three-year-old, but also me with anxiety and stress and emotions.

It feels like an endless cycle. Trying to get better, pay specialists to help you. Wonder how long to go to one before getting another one if they don’t help. Doing exercises to help my back, but not seeing results. Trying to give myself permission to eat whatever i want, because that’s what the dietitian said. But then wondering about weight, clothes that don’t fit me anymore, people seeing what i look like, not wanting to see any photos of me, money that goes to binge eating foods, and groceries. Oh and then don’t forget that there’s laundry to do, vacuuming, when did i last dust anything, toilets are needing to be cleaned. Cook nutritious meals for kids, oh wait, don’t forget to NOT put salt in, because you have a baby. And then remember to brush your own hair, not just the toddlers. Did i brush my teeth today? Wait, when do they need a bath or shower? (can’t remember, because we don’t do it every day). When can we go shopping, cause we are out of some groceries, but i don’t drive myself. So after work and dinner when husband finishes. Then baby wants to go sleep already because she’ll be tired already. But i can’t send him by himself, because i can’t lift the baby myself unless i hurt my back more. Do I stay home with the toddler, send my husband with the baby and risk the baby being upset and crying and my husband frustrated? To i stay home with the baby and hope to stretch her bedtime until my husband gets back? Do we all go, because we can? But then i struggle to walk and what if i run into people i know and they ask about what happened to me that i can’t walk nicely. And then shopping takes even longer. And i really don’t want pity. But more like healing prayers, please. But in the middle of a grocery store when kids are getting tired, is that really needed. Maybe I’ll just stay home and my husband takes both kids and i get some quiet moment to breathe? Also woke up at 3 am, because of period pain on top of everything else. And you can only take paracetamol, which i finally did at 4 am. But that doesn’t do much. So i have period pain on top of back pain. And kids woke up at 5:30 again.
And that is just today’s thoughts… I cried. Again.

Somehow, i need to get dinner done. I know i could do cereal or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but i want them to eat well. But also all i wanna do is just have a day or two off of doing everything. But can’t. Laundry needs doing because we don’t have many clothes. So we need to do laundry often. We need to get the vacuuming done because we have a crawling baby who wants to put everything in her mouth.

Ugh. Sigh. Cry. Laugh and cry at the same time.
Oh, and i also struggle with self-harm. I pick the skin of my fingers. No cutting. But just picking at my skin. I feel ashamed about all of these things. Binging, hurting myself. For not being able to even walk with kids. I want to be a good mum and somehow i have this idea that i should be able to take care of them more. And if i don’t, i don’t feel like a good mum. Or a good wife.

And hey, how do people manage marriage in the midst of little kids? We see each other at times but are often so tired that we don’t talk much, but just like catch up 5-10 min and then watch tv-series or movies together to chill. Haven’t been on a date in ages. And if we would go, what would you talk about?

And for Christians, in the midst of kids and all that, how do you have time with God? I want to do it, but I’m often interrupted by questions. So i try later to have worship music, which turns into singing by a toddler. Or a crying baby who fell over. But hey, i try.

AND breastfeeding. One part of me is so touched out, so over it. Especially because she wants comfort and settles easily, which often means feeding every 2-3 hours at night. And that’s what we’ve done since she was born. And i love that it’s kind of free, always with you. Don’t have to pack or anything or warm bottles. But at the same time… i just wanna sleep. But also don’t want her to cry and be upset and wake everyone up at night time, because two girls share a room… so confused.

So life is quite overwhelming these days and complex like that succulent picture. Layers and layers of stuff happening. And in between all that trying to be a good friend to others, to be a sister in Christ, to remember to ask others how they are doing. How they hang in there. To remind them that you do think about them. That they matter to you. But also, i forget often. Because my own life is so full-on. So tiring. So exhausting. But i love you, friends. And family, across the world, on the other side. I miss them. And nature and all that. Not to mention Australia has everything backwards. Like September for me used to mean falling leaves, sweaters and scarves and all that cosiness. And school starts. And here, it’s springtime, everything is blooming, and everyone is sneezing lol. No, it’s nod covid. Just allergies.

If you got this far and feel overwhelmed, yup. Me too. If you got this far and wanna help, feel free to write to me and ask how you can help. If you got this far and are a Christian, please pray for me and my family. And thank you for reading. And sorry for the word vomit, but hey, thought to share.

Thank you for reading. And for those who are there for me, i don’t often express this, but you mean the world to me! Until next time.

Blessings,
Mirjam