Lukewarmness and Lack of Passion
*Disclaimer, there’s a lot of random mumble here, so if you want to get to the point, sorry, points take time… :D
Today has been one of those i don’t want to do anything day. I took another sick day. Another meaning that i am so tired and not feeling well that i wouldn’t have point in sitting through the classes. And if people would ask me am i sick, well in some ways yes. I mean, i have this cough, but that’s not why i am sick. I have some deficiencies and that’s what makes me sick.
Did you know that the vitamin thing, you can have SO many symptoms without knowing that it’s a vitamin deficiency. Anyway, glad i got my doc to do a blood test. So here’s some information for you.
Lack of vitamin D can cause the following:
- Muscle and bone weakness
- Feeling blue or sad
- Great pain sensitivity
- Chronic gum disease
- High blood pressure
- Fatigue and sleepiness
- Mood swings
- Decreased endurance
- Gut issues
- Head sweater
See here for explanation of those: http://eatlocalgrown.com/article/14504-signs-of-vitamin-d-deficiency.html
So quite a few there that i can check that yup, that has been me.
And when we add also iron deficiency. See below:
Then yes, i have been very sick. With quite a huge amount of symptoms. The most annoying ones are tiredness, pains in my joints/muscles (i feel so old), and just generally being in a state where i long to be better, but how - i have no clue. Now i got some more vitamins, and iron tablets and HOPE and pray it gets better.
BUT that’s not why i put that title.
The title is because of what i have experienced in the school. I have reached to a point where christianity is on overload. I mean i feel blah when i think anything christian. Not sure how else to explain it but everything here is christian. You start your day, you live with christians. You have devotion and/or prayer before breakfast. Then you get your stuff to class and go to wake-up. More christian stuff (be it worship, meditation, Bible reading etc). Then classes, then electives, meetings, etc. So if someone comes with an idea to have a prayer meeting, i walk away. AND feel terrible about it! How on earth have i come to a point where christianity is too much!? I only see this from my perspective, but i see people being very task oriented, losing the point. Like getting to breakfast table and “oh it’s my turn, okay i’ll share something”. The point isn’t so much of sharing God’s Word, or praying for someone. But we do our duty. It’s sad really. I do the same, sadly. We get to wake up, and i can’t focus on worship, cause i don’t feel like worshipping. Maybe it’s just me? Not sure. But i feel that we are just asleep. Lukewarm there. We get to classes, there’s no grades. I am not motivated to learn, cause i don’t see motivated class. I think i have expected too much. I don’t want to blame teachers, because i am sure they are good, but maybe it’s the way it’s presented? Maybe it’s the way that most people in the class just swim through days, including me. Not really getting much out. Not really being able to focus. Yes, i am still christian, but not that much as i used to. Me and others in class often deal with other things. Facebook, games, emails, pinterest, some even 9gag… and i wonder what is wrong with us? Where have we lost our willingness to learn, the passion i had before school? I still have it. But i’ve lost so much of it. I have no means to use it. I have crazy crazy desire to search for more of God. In me. But it doesn’t come out in my daily life. I am dull. I am lukewarm and passion and fire has been fading. And it’s so crazy to even say that. When you, as a fiery christian, have come to a point, where everything christian related makes you go “meh”. Not interested in prayer meetings, because i am tired. Not hearing the sermon, cause my mind is million miles away on other more important matters in my opinion. Not getting much out of classes, because of health problems.
I am a person who likes to fix things, and i have no fix. None. I’ve prayed about it, sure have. But nothing yet. Yet! I hope God hears me, sure He will. But what is wrong here? Why is it that Denmark has made me lose fire, passion and my will to learn. The craving for more has been substituted with sweatpants and swimming through my days. I don’t want to be this person. I know i am capable of more!
This is not saying that the school is bad. Or teachers. Or the programs here. Not at all! But there is something that is just not quite right and i can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s… no, i have no idea what it is. But i am sad about being in a “meh” position. People who knew me also before school, knew how i was the one on church door smiling and greeting strangers! Now, well i hate leaving my room. And homework, well don’t get to it much. Sad story, but a hard truth is better than lies and deceit. So this is what i see in a place where i am.
And all this christian stuff around me, having overload on christianity has made me not want to spend more time with God. But less. I already spend so much time with christian stuff that i feel i am “stuffed” so much that i wanna throw up. It makes no sense, because in reality i am thirsty for God. Thirsty for Jesus, Holy Spirit and God, not just christian stuff. I don’t know how better to explain it. But imagine having big pizza (shoot i am hungry atm) and eating it all until you are full, but you never really craved pizza to start with, you wanted a burger. Or ice-cream. Still food, but different. Does that make sense?
Well yes, that’s what was on my mind today. Random raw thoughts. Not much i can with them, but to write them down, to see if maybe it gets some thoughts going… School is great. I mean i have met some amazing people here. I see so much love here! So much understanding and people helping me. Even started therapy lately. Which is hard, but necessary. But there is something about this that is well making me different. Not necessarily in a bad way, but not in a good way either.
Can’t stop thinking of pizza now. Trouble with sick day is that you are stuck in your room. Alright, enough random thoughts for today.
Until next time.